Boogie Nights
by Kovacsgirl
Summary: The C.G. staff go on ANOTHER trip, this time to Vegas! Co-written w/Rachel!
1. Day One

Rachel: This is the first time I've ever worked with someone on fluff fanfic, so I'll warn you people to start expecting something kinda crazy.   
Sarah: Legal mumbo-jumbo here... Can never be too careful. Anyway, this is my first collaboration w/anyone, and I'm very pleased to be doing it w/Rachel. Please enjoy.   
  
Boogie Nights  
  
Day 1   
  
SCENE: O'Hare Int'l Airport.   
  
KERRY: Are we all here?   
  
BENTON: I don't know. Are we?   
  
KERRY: Fine. I'll do a head count. Mark?   
  
CORDAY: He's not here right now.   
  
CLEO: Where is he?   
  
CORDAY: Beats me.   
  
KERRY: OK, well, you're here. So that's me, Elizabeth, Peter, Cleo . . . Abby?   
  
ABBY: I'm here.   
  
KERRY: Luka?   
  
ABBY: He's here.   
  
KERRY: I think he can answer for himself. Carter?   
  
Carter hastily dusts himself and searches his pockets.   
  
CARTER: Does anyone have some Visine?   
  
ABBY: Oh dear God.   
  
KERRY: Robert's not here, and I'm waiting on Dave and Jing-mei.   
  
BENTON: Where are Dave and Chen?   
  
Enter a frazzled Jing-mei, followed by Dave, who is looking very pleased with himself.   
  
DAVE: So it wasn't all that bad now, eh, Jing-mei?   
  
JING-MEI: Oh, yes, it was, Dave.   
  
DAVE: Hey, it was either sit on my lap in Mark's van or a free ride on my bike.   
  
JING-MEI: It may have been free, but I'm sure a taxi would have been safer. You didn't have to go through five red lights, you  
know.   
  
DAVE: Quit being a killjoy.   
  
JING-MEI: I am not a killjoy!   
  
DAVE: You damn well are.   
  
JING-MEI: Fine. Just don't make me ride your bike again.   
  
LUKA: Oh, boy . . .   
  
CLEO: (blinks) There they go again . . .   
  
CORDAY: Shut up, my baby can hear you quarreling.   
  
BENTON: What, you mean you haven't had your baby yet?   
  
CORDAY: I guess not. Speaking of my baby, I am rather hungry . . .   
  
Mark appears.   
  
MARK: I brought you some ice cream, pretzels, a steak dinner, salad, some butter cookies, jelly donuts -   
  
CORDAY: - and mashed potatoes, a box of KFC, tomato soup, swordfish, a six-foot sub, and five gallons of orange juice. Oh,  
Mark!   
  
DAVE: Wow. All for being pregnant?   
  
JING-MEI: Lord knows what your mother ate when she was pregnant with you.   
  
DAVE: Good point.   
  
KERRY: Where's Romano? Much as I hate the little prick, he decided he wanted to come along. Ah, here he is now.   
  
ROMANO: Damn you, Mark!   
  
DAVE: Is that for me?   
  
ROMANO: I brought the pizza and ice cream for Lizzie, NOT you, Malatucci.   
  
DAVE: Aw, man!   
  
CORDAY: (happily) That was very, um, sweet of you, Robert. I'll take that.   
  
DAVE: You gonna eat all that on the plane?   
  
CARTER: Anyone got a cell phone? I forgot mine.   
  
ABBY: Then what's in your cell phone case? (makes a grab)   
  
CARTER: Hey, hey, hey! Give that back!   
  
ABBY: What's this? Women's Tylenol?   
  
CARTER: (hurt) They're good for the cramps. Cell phone?   
  
JING-MEI: Cramps?   
  
CLEO: Here you are, but don't let this make you think I like you.   
  
CARTER: (hopefully) Do you?   
  
CLEO: That's debatable. Take it before I change my mind.   
  
CARTER: (dials a number) Thanks. Hi, Rena.   
  
ABBY: Oh, dear Lord.   
  
BENTON: Are you his mother?   
  
ABBY: No, just his "ex-girlfriend."   
  
BENTON: Then leave him alone. (beat) Carter, stop that, we gotta go, man.   
  
DAVE: Dr. Corday?   
  
CORDAY: No, you may not have ANY of my food. Bad doctors can't have it.   
  
DAVE: (coughs) Malpractice suit . . . .   
  
CORDAY: Maybe a donut and a glass of juice.   
  
CARTER: (still on phone) I miss you too . . . .   
  
LUKA: (to Jing-Mei) How come you never ate this much when you were pregnant?   
  
JING-MEI: No one brought me food.   
  
LUKA: Ah.   
  
SCENE: Flight 8436 to Las Vegas.   
  
ROMANO: Lizzy, do you really think you should fly in your...condition?   
  
ELIZABETH: Actually, yes, Robert, I can, thank you very much.   
  
ROMANO: Because we would hate for something to happen...   
  
MARK: She said she would be fine, you fat, balding, pathetic excuse for a man!   
  
ROMANO: Well, I don't see what she sees in you, you're just as bald as I am, and you're missing part of your brain. Not that you  
ever had one...   
  
MARK: Why, I oughta...   
  
KERRY: You don't want to get kicked of the plane, do you?   
  
MARK & ROMANO: Well...   
  
DAVE: I'M HUNGRY!!!!!   
  
DEB: Not again!   
  
JOHN: Yeah, last time, it was all we could do to keep him from eating.   
  
PETER: I hope that crazy author person doesn't show up again in this story.   
  
CLEO: I heard there were TWO authors for this one!   
  
PETER: TWO!! (faints)   
  
CLEO: Peter? Peter? Oh well.   
  
KERRY: Luka, thank you SOOOOOO much for inviting us to come with you on this trip that you won.   
  
LUKA: Oh, no problem. Who else would I invite? All my friends in Croatia are dead.   
  
ABBY: What about Evgeny?   
  
LUKA: How do YOU know about HIM?!?!   
  
ABBY: Remember? We saw him in Croatia when we went to visit your family.   
  
LUKA: Oh, right. Anyway, most of my friends from Croatia are dead.   
  
JOHN: Think we'll have an in-flight movie today?   
  
DEB: That's what the itinerary says.   
  
DAVE: Who has an itinerary? (sees DEB with hers) Give me!   
  
DEB: Hey!   
  
DAVE: Food, food, food, food, ah, here it is! A dinner...Oh, wait, that's the Super Ultra Deluxe First Class. We're only in Super Ultra  
First Class, so we get a...drink!!! Yo, Carter!   
  
JOHN: What, Dave?   
  
DAVE: Any chance you could pull a few strings---   
  
JOHN: NO!   
  
DAVE: Please?   
  
JOHN: NO!   
  
DAVE: With sugar and chocolate sprinkles and maraschino cherries on top!   
  
JOHN: Well, oh, I HATE maraschino cherries. NO, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!!   
  
DAVE: Darn.   
  
PILOT: We will be taking off now.   
  
LUKA: So, what exactly do you DO in Las Vegas?   
  
PETER: Gamble.   
  
MARK: Find cheap whorehouses.   
  
ELIZABETH: MARK!!!!   
  
ROMANO: You can always call off the engagement now.   
  
ELIZABETH: NO!   
  
LUKA: Is there anything reputable to do there?   
  
ABBY: Well...no.   
  
LUKA: I'm damned to hell.   
  
DAVE: I'm--- (DEB claps a hand over his mouth)   
  
DEB: FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WE KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY!   
  
DAVE: God, you don't have to make a big deal about it!   
  
JOHN: I miss Rena.   
  
DAVE: Who?   
  
ABBY: Oh, you know. The nineteen-year-old chick that Carter slept with.   
  
DAVE: Nineteen, hm? (Breaks down laughing)   
  
DEB: John, I never thought of you as a womanizer.   
  
MARK: Following in old Dougie's footsteps, eh Carter?   
  
JOHN: Uhhhh...   
  
ABBY: Who is this Doug again?   
  
LUKA: Remember? The guy I sued.   
  
ABBY: Oh, right.   
  
DAVE: My role model!   
  
PETER: Hell, he's all of us's role model, that is, us guys.   
  
CLEO: Oh God.   
  
SCENE: Nurse---That is, Flight Attendants' station.   
  
FLIGHT ATTENDENT 1 (POLLY): Man, those people up in the Super Ultra first class are sure causing a ruckus.   
  
F.A. 2 (BRIDGET): Who? (Looks up from reading "Bridget Jones's Diary")   
  
POLLY: There, see. (pointing)   
  
BRIDGET: Oh, right, the County General people.   
  
POLLY: You know them?   
  
BRIDGET: Yeah. I was on the flight they took to Disneyland. Hey, did you ever notice Bridget Jones is a lot like me?   
  
POLLY: Don't you think we should try to calm them down?   
  
BRIDGET: Nah, won't work.   
  
POLLY: Well... Why don't we drug them?   
  
BRIDGET: Whatever. Now LET ME READ!!!!!!   
  
SCENE: C.G. Employees' seats.   
  
JOHN: Oh, Rena!   
  
DEB: You're hopeless. I hope you know that.   
  
ELIZABETH: Oh, I felt contractions!   
  
MARK: How far apart are they!   
  
ROMANO: Lizzy!   
  
ELIZABETH: Just kidding!   
  
CLEO: Anyone have a battery?   
  
ABBY: NOT AGAIN!   
  
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over intercom): The in-flight movie is "Independence Day" .   
  
CLEO: Will Smith!   
  
DEB: He's such a hottie!   
  
DAVE: What about me?   
  
DEB: What about you?   
  
DAVE: Aren't I a hottie?   
  
DEB: Don't flatter yourself.   
  
PETER: I HATE ALIENS!   
  
KERRY: I love this movie!   
  
ROMANO: Am I in charge during this trip?   
  
KERRY: No.   
  
ROMANO: Then who is?   
  
KERRY: I should say Luka, but actually, it's me.   
  
ROMANO: Damn!   
  
LUKA: Surprise, surprise.   
  
CLEO: The movie is starting!   
  
PETER: Mommy! (begins to cry)   
  
JOHN: (breaking out of his "Rena" stupor) I've never seen this side of you before. Oh, Rena.   
  
POLLY: Would you like some drinks?   
  
ABBY: No, I don't drink anymore.   
  
POLLY: (annoyed) I meant like soda. We can't give you people alcohol anyway.   
  
ABBY: Well, in that case I'll have a Diet Coke.   
  
LUKA: How can you drink diet pop? I'll have a Cherry Coke.   
  
ABBY: Remember last time you had a Cherry Coke?   
  
LUKA: Uh...   
  
~*~ Flashback ~*~   
  
LUKA: Cherry Coke High!!!!!   
  
ABBY: Luka Nicholas Kovac! Get off that chandelier immediately!   
  
LUKA: CHERRY COKE, CHERRY COKE!!!!!!!   
  
~*~ END ~*~   
  
LUKA: Oh, right. Oh, well. Cherry Coke!   
  
JOHN: I won't eat or drink until I see Rena again.   
  
KERRY: Then you'll be a very hungry little boy. Plus you chose to come with us.   
  
JOHN: Luka said Rena could come!   
  
All glance at Luka.   
  
LUKA: *whistle*   
  
POLLY: Anyone ELSE!   
  
DAVE: I'll take everything!   
  
POLLY: Uh, okay...   
  
DAVE: FOOD!!! FOOD!!! FOOD!!!   
  
KERRY: Oh no!   
  
DAVE: I HAVE THE URGE TO DANCE!   
  
LUKA: ME TOO!   
  
Both get up, and dance down the aisles!   
  
DAVE: SUNSET BOULEVARD! TWISTING BOULEVARD! VALENTINO DANCED ON THAT terrazzo!   
  
KERRY: It doesn't go that way!   
  
ABBY: Since when are you an expert on "Sunset Boulevard"?   
  
KERRY: Who knows?   
  
LUKA: I WANT IT THAT WAY. TELL ME WHY - AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEART ACHE...   
  
PETER: Wahhhhhhhhhh!   
  
CLEO: Shut him up!   
  
DEB: OHHH! Will Smith!   
  
JOHN: I think I'm going to jump out of the plane in despair!   
  
CLEO: Okay, I never liked you goody-two-shoed white boy anyway!   
  
DAVE: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE: INSIDE YOUR MIND!   
  
LUKA: WHEN YOU FINALLY GET TO LOVE SOMEBODY GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT: IT'S GONNA BE ME!   
  
CLEO: Shut them up too!   
  
JOHN: The winter of despair!   
  
ABBY: Great, now he's quoting Dickens!   
  
DAVE: LET'S SET THE PLANE ON FIRE!   
  
LUKA: OKAY!   
  
EVERYONE ELSE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
  
DAVE & LUKA: WE WERE JUST KIDDING!   
  
KERRY: It's going to be a loooong trip to Vegas.   
  
What? You have something to say already? You can write to us at kovacsgirl@yahoo.com (Sarah) and malucciecabaz@yahoo.com (Rachel).  



	2. Day Two

Boogie Nights  
  
Day 2   
  
SCENE: Limousine taking the CCGH staff.   
  
JOHN: (on cell phone) I miss you already!   
  
DEB: Does anyone realize that he's only said that a hundred times so far?   
  
CLEO: Hey, White Boy! (slaps Carter) I don't have a thousand free minutes on that phone, you know.   
  
JOHN: If I paid for it, would you still say that?   
  
CLEO: You're probably using all your money on drugs.   
  
JOHN: Just because I pop a few pills every now and then doesn't mean I'm a druggie.   
  
Everyone begins humming and staring innocently into space.   
  
JOHN: Right, guys?   
  
No one looks at him.   
  
JOHN: Deb?   
  
DEB: No comment.   
  
JOHN: Dave?   
  
DAVE: (stuffing his face) Whokerkagl?   
  
JOHN: Believe what you want. I'll have you know that I bruise very easily.   
  
KERRY: Dave and Luka, I just want to thank you for almost sending us back to Chicago.   
  
LUKA: Why are you blaming me? Dave was the one who suggested setting the plane on fire! Besides, I won the trip.   
  
KERRY: Touché.   
  
ROMANO: Yeah, what was that about, Malatucci?   
  
DAVE: (burps) Whoa, that Bordeaux wine was good! Man, I gotta move on to wine-tasting….   
  
ROMANO: Answer the question.   
  
DAVE: (shrugs) Just a suggestion. I mean, God, you just put the words "fire" and "plane" in one sentence and everyone already thinks you're an arsonist…..   
  
DEB: I believe your exact words were, "LET'S SET THE PLANE ON FIRE!"   
  
DAVE: Maybe they were, but that wasn't supposed to mean anything.   
  
PETER: Then what does?  
  
DAVE: Hey, I never told you what happens when I get the urge to dance.   
  
MARK: Do we want to know?   
  
DAVE: I also sing crazy songs, say things I don't really mean -   
  
ABBY: Then why didn't you just save us the trouble and become a dancer?   
  
DAVE: I did that in college.   
  
ROMANO: "Dave" and "college" in one sentence?   
  
CLEO: That's scary.   
  
DEB: Unless it was, "Dave didn't study in college".   
  
DAVE: Maybe so, but let's not get into that.   
  
MARK: You say things you don't mean? Damn, what's your excuse for the rest of the time?   
  
DAVE: So-orry. Hey, Chief, pass me an éclair……   
  
ELIZABETH: Luka, why did you go along with it?   
  
ABBY: Yeah, you hadn't even consumed any Cherry Coke at that point!   
  
LUKA: You want me to kick you out of the limo?   
  
EVERYONE MINUS DAVE: NO!   
  
LUKA: Then lay off.   
  
KERRY: Hey, I didn't do anything.   
  
JOHN: Look! A sign for the Blue Man Group!   
  
DEB: Ohhhh! The Blue Men! I wanna see them!   
  
DAVE: If you wanna see a blue man, you could just check me out in a scrub top.   
  
DEB: No, really?   
  
PETER: Yes!   
  
EVERYONE: What?   
  
PETER: Sarcasm! Yeah buddy! I GOT THAT!!!   
  
Everyone claps. John giggles.   
  
EVERYONE: What?   
  
JOHN: Inside joke about the Blue Men.   
  
LUKA: Oh, really? Care to share it with us?   
  
JOHN: Cleo, I need to call Rena and ask if that's OK…..   
  
CLEO: NO.   
  
JOHN: Grouchy, grouchy.   
  
BOB, THE CHAUFFEUR: There's a cell phone here in the limo you can use, sonny.   
  
EVERYONE: NO!!!!   
  
PETER: So…..what are the sleeping arrangements?   
  
LUKA: (eyes pop) We have sleeping arrangements?   
  
PETER: Shouldn't we?   
  
LUKA: I'd say, first come, first serve….. four to a room max.   
  
DAVE: I'm calling Jing-mei.   
  
DEB: Kerry, save me!   
  
KERRY: That did not sound right…… I'm surprised, he quit stuffing his face long enough to place dibs on you.   
  
DEB: I don't care, SOMEONE else please room with him!   
  
LUKA: Too late. My trip. Besides, I've always wanted to put you together. Next?   
  
DEB: You did not! That's just your line.   
  
LUKA: What the hell, I'll do the assignments. Kerry, you and Cleo in one room.   
  
CLEO: Hey, hey, don't I get to room with Peter?   
  
LUKA: Officially, no….   
  
PETER: Why?   
  
LUKA: Because you are rooming with Mark, Romano, and Elizabeth.   
  
ROMANO: I always thought that if I roomed with Lizzy I wouldn't have to share her with two other guys.   
  
MARK: You know what, pipsqueak? Of two out of three guys, she's gone out with everyone but you!   
  
ELIZABETH: Oh my God my water broke!   
  
MARK: AGHHH!!! Not when we're vacationing! (taps her belly) Daddy told you to wait!   
  
ELIZABETH: Just kidding, sweetie.   
  
LUKA: And that leaves Abby, but she's with me.   
  
Deb grabs a slice of Corday's pizza out of Dave's mouth.   
  
DAVE: Hey! I'm eating here!   
  
DEB: Luka, how much did he pay you to make the sleeping arrangements?   
  
LUKA: None, I swear.   
  
DEB: Liar.   
  
PETER: Pants on fire.   
  
KERRY: Noooo! Not fire!   
  
PETER: Sitting on a telephone wire.   
  
JOHN: Wow, Reese's lullabies must have gotten to you.   
  
ELIZABETH: Dave, you're eating my pizza!   
  
DAVE: Ha! Second slice I've nicked and you didn't notice!   
  
ELIZABETH: You eat like a pregnant woman.   
  
DAVE: If that was a compliment, thank you very much.   
  
ABBY: Have you noticed how many lines Dave has? Even when he's not eating?   
  
JOHN: That's because Dave is the author's favorite character.   
  
LUKA: Please don't tell me you're omnipotent for the rest of the trip.   
  
JOHN: If you want me to, I can be.   
  
CLEO: Then why aren't you the favorite? I thought you were!   
  
JOHN: Because. That's the other author. Duh, don't you know anything?   
  
DAVE: Awesome! I'm someone's favorite character?   
  
DEB: I told you this was a show. (mumbles) Estupido…..   
  
MARK: Oh! Hablas espanol tambien?   
  
PETER: Nooooo! I thought that was over! (to Deb) Since when did you learn Spanish?   
  
DEB: After "Independence Day". (sticks tongue out at Dave)   
  
DAVE: Not yet, Jing-mei.   
  
DEB: GRRRR! Oh my GOD! I'm rooming with HIM!!!   
  
CLEO: See, Peter, I told you there were SO two authors.   
  
KERRY: Here they come now!   
  
LUKA: Kovacsgirl --- and who's this?   
  
Enter Kovacsgirl and friend.   
  
KOVACSGIRL: You don't remember my name?   
  
LUKA: Ummm…. It's…   
  
MARK: Deb! Ella lo sabe!   
  
(DAVE: Translation: Deb knows…)   
  
LUKA: Don't tell me! I forgot! Oh!….   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Well, that's okay.   
  
PETER: Then who's this?   
  
GIRL (MALUCCIECA): It's me.   
  
ABBY: That sounds like a knock-knock joke.   
  
MARK: Mi favorito!   
  
KERRY: Let's not go there.   
  
MALUCCIECA: Come on, don't you know me?   
  
DAVE: Oh, you!   
  
MALUCCIECA: The one and only.   
  
DAVE: That's not your name. Don't you have another? Isn't it -   
  
MALUCCIECA: That's still me.   
  
DEB: I know! You were one of the first people to start writing about me! Thank you!   
  
MALUCCIECA: You're welcome. C'mon, Deb -   
  
DEB: Don't call me Deb.   
  
MALUCCIECA: But it says here ---   
  
DEB: Yeah I noticed but DO NOT CALL ME DEB! Only Carter can do that!   
  
MALUCCIECA: Jing-Mei, don't you know that there are others out there who would kill to room with Dave?   
  
DEB: Like who?   
  
MALUCCIECA: *whistles *   
  
DEB: Room with him!   
  
MALUCCIECA: Sorry, I can't. Mark Barry's next door to me.   
  
ROMANO: Who the hell is that?   
  
MALUCCIECA: I'll explain later…. All you need to know is that he's next door.   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Oh yes, very important. If I can't find her to write some more, then I'll know where she is.   
  
LUKA: So, where are you going to be? *Hint, Hint*  
  
KOVACSGIRL: I promised myself I wouldn't get into trouble during this trip. Plus I have a date with a certain Nick Stokes...  
  
LUKA: Who?   
  
KOVACSGIRL: From CSI.   
  
LUKA: What?   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Don't you ever watch TV?   
  
LUKA: Uh...I take the fifth!  
  
JOHN: Not again!  
  
MARK: Me llamo es Mark Greene. Yo soy Chicago.   
  
ROMANO: My god, they really did tweak with his brain!   
  
CLEO: Am I the only one not getting paid this time?   
  
KOVACSGIRL: No-one's getting paid! Luka really won the trip.   
  
LUKA: That's right! And I'll send you all back...   
  
EVERYONE, SAVE DAVE: NOOOO!!! WE LOVE YOU LUKA!   
  
LUKA: That's more like it.   
  
KOVACSGIRL: So, did I hear someone say we have a cell-phone in here?   
  
BOB: Yeah.   
  
KOVACGIRL: Can I use it?   
  
BOB: Yeah.   
  
JOHN: I call it after K-girl!  
  
DEB: GOD DAMNIT NO!   
  
JOHN: All right, keep your shirt on.   
  
DAVE: No, I think she should take it off!!!  
  
(DEB slaps him with a random suitcase.)   
  
DEB: Take that, and that, and that...  
  
CLEO: HEY! That's my suitcase!   
  
DEB: Too bad, we all had you anyway!  
  
CLEO: Wh-wh-what? You all hate me?   
  
EVERYONE SAVE KOVACSGIRL, WHO IS ON THE PHONE: *whistle*  
  
CLEO: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Peter, take them out!  
  
PETER: Well, I was thinking...  
  
DAVE: Go Peatie!  
  
PETER: ERRRRRRRRRR! DON'T CALL ME PEATIE! YOU'E DAMAGED MY PRIDE MAN! THAT MEANS DEATH!   
  
MALUCCIECA: NO! DON'T KILL DAVE!   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Blah, blah (In Russian, as she is making a long distance call to St. Petersburg.)   
  
CENSOR MONKEY 1: Hey, what's going on!   
  
BOB: Yo, dudes, keep it down, I can't concentrate!   
  
JOHN: Does anyone have some Phentonal, I mean a fan?   
  
ABBY: I knew it!   
  
ROMANO: You're still snipping drugs!   
  
KERRY: Carter! How could you?   
  
JOHN: No, it's not like that, I mean, I'm clean!   
  
ROMANO: TAR AND FEATHER HIM!  
  
KERRY: Yeah...What?!?!   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Keep it---Who said John was a drug sniper?   
  
(All point to ABBY)   
  
ABBY: Well, I...   
  
KOVACSGIRL: I should have known! I hate Abby!  
  
ABBY: HEY!   
  
KOVASGIRL: How could you do this to poor John. Can you hold on a minute Ev? (Sets down phone) Let me just erase this part...   
  
MALUCCIECA: No!   
  
KOVACSGIRL: What?   
  
MALUCCIECA: Keep it in there.  
  
KOVACSGIRL: The Censor Monkeys won't like it.  
  
MALUCCIECA: Why?   
  
KOVACSGIRL: I don't know... (Whispers) If you ask me, I think they're the ones who are high!   
  
MALUCCIECA: Well, screw the Censor Monkeys!   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Well... OKAY!   
  
PETER: Wow, a half page of conversation between the authors!   
  
KOVACSGIRL AND MALUCCIECA: SHUT UP!!!!  
  
PETER: Christ, don't loose your shirts!   
  
LUKA AND DAVE: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
KOVACSGIRL: Oooookay. Uh, well I've got to go, I'm staying at the MGM grand, so here's my stop.   
  
LUKA: You're not at our hotel?   
  
KOVACSGIRL: Hell No! This place it much better!   
  
DAVE: I'm hungry.   
  
MARK: Si, yo tambien. Y tu, Elizabeth?  
  
ELIZABETH: Um, I took French in high school, what did he say?   
  
TRANSLATOR BAMBI: He said "Yes, me too. And you Elizabeth?"   
  
ELIZABETH: Who the hell are you?   
  
TRANSLATOR BAMBI: I'm "Translator Bambi." Specially programmed to translate Spanish!   
  
PETER: You look like a Barbie.   
  
JOHN (high): Look at all the pretty colors.  
  
TRANSLATOR BAMBI: Oh, Barbie is a corporate sponsored toy. To cut back on legal costs, they made me!   
  
ROMANO: Come sit on my lap, pretty girl!   
  
KERRY: WHAT legal costs?   
  
TRANSLATOR BAMBI: Oh, you know if they get sued...  
  
KERRY: Who is "they."   
  
TRANSLATOR BAMBI: Oh, Chico DeMille Publishing, Inc.   
  
MALUCCIECA: K-girl's company.   
  
EVERYONE, SAVE HIGH JOHN: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   
  
JOHN: Mommy, I don't want to take a bath!   
  
LUKA: Good thing K-girl isn't here to see this... But I miss her so!   
  
KERRY: You really like her don't you!   
  
ABBY: I knew you didn't love me! Out of my sight!   
  
LUKA: Do you want to go back to Chicago, without the airfare being paid. Or not flying at all?   
  
ABBY: Oh, sorry.   
  
LUKA: I LOVE all this power.  
  
JOHN: Oh, Rena, of course you can *CENSORED*   
  
CENSOR MONKEY 2: What? You don't think we want an NC-17 fic on our hand do you?   
  
BOB: Here we are at your hotel!   
  
EVERYONE: OHHHHHHHHHHH! AWWWWWWWWWW!   
  
FAN FICTION FAIRY: That's AWE, not AW!   
  
EVERYONE: AWE!  
  
FAN FICTION FAIRY: Why do I even try?   
  
  



	3. Day Three

Kovacsgirl's Notes: Well, need a new disclaimer, 'cause I managed to work CSI in here too

Kovacsgirl's Notes: Well, need a new disclaimer, 'cause I managed to work CSI in here too. So, I do not own CSI either, contrary to popular belief. Also, check out my website to find the fic that started it all: Travels With Us. [http://www.geocities.com/chicago_kewlkat][1].

---Day Three---

---@ The Vegas Crime Lab--- 

NICK: ...and here is the autopsy room. 

KOVACSGIRL: Ohhh! A dead body! Cool! 

(A pager rings and KOVACSGIRL glances at it)

KOVACSGIRL: Damn. 

NICK: What? 

KOVACKSGIRL: I have a story to write. See ya later. 

NICK: Uh, okay. 

---Back @ the C.G. people's hotel---

DAVE: I AM HUNGRY! FEED ME!!! 

DEB: You are hopeless. Hey, Kerry, did John ever come out of his...relapse? 

KERRY: Uh, probably... We had to screen his suitcases and everything for drugs. 

DEB: I think I'll go see him. (Heads for the elevators but stops.) Which room did he have again?

LUKA: (looking up from the paper) We forgot to give him a room, so he had to sleep in the limo. 

DEB and ABBY: What!!!

LUKA: You snooze, you lose. Or, I guess in his case, you get high, you lose. 

DEB: You are a mean man. 

LUKA: I'd watch what I say if I were you. You don't want to be sent to live with the dingoes in the zoo do you? 

PETER: Did someone say "DINGOES!?" I love dingoes. 

ROMANO: I like pigmies. 

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

ABBY: Romano, you like pigmies? 

ROMANO: Yes!

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

ABBY: Why? 

ROMANO: They're short and they shoot darts. What's not to like? 

DEB: I think I heard that quote from "Fraiser" once. 

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

CLEO: Oh shut up already! (CLEO smacks PETER upside the head with a plate. It breaks.)

PETER: Thanks. I needed that. 

DAVE: I'M DAMN HUNGRY. WILL SOMEONE FEED ME ALREADY!? 

CLEO: (also whacking DAVE upside the head): SHUT UP YOU LAZY BUM! FEED YOURSELF. 

DAVE: DON'T CALL ME A LAZY BUM, HIV WOMAN!

CLEO: **I**---**AM**---**WOUNDED**!!!!!

DAVE: Good. 

LUKA: That was a little bit too melodramatic. 

CLEO: WHAT!!!! (Waves a fist at LUKA)

LUKA: Uh, nothing... Do you want to have to walk back to Chicago? 

CLEO: No. 

LUKA: Then shape up missy! 

CLEO: Okay. 

ABBY: By the by, where is Elizabeth? 

KERRY: Morning Sickness. 

ROMANO: What!? And I'm not there to help! I'm outta here! (runs out of the room) 

KERRY: Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.

KOVACSGIRL: *Pant, Pant*

KERRY: Where have you been? 

KOVACSGIRL: Um, in an autopsy room...

KERRY: Where? 

KOVACSGIRL: In the Crime Lab... 

KERRY: With whom? 

KOVACGIRL: With... Hey, wait! You're not my mother! I'm under no obligation to tell you! 

KERRY: Oh, sorry. 

KOVACSGIRL: You damn well better be! 

MALUCCIECA: Kovacsgirl!

KOVACSGIRL: MM? 

MALUCCIECA: Where have you been? 

KOVACSGIRL: Busy? 

MALUCCIECA: You're late! 

KOVACSGIRL: You're starting to sound like Kerry!

MALUCCIECA: I am

KERRY: She is? I mean, that's bad?

KOVACSGIRL: I don't know! I'm not TPTB! 

DAVE: (Food hanging from the corners of his mouth) Mhat? 

KOVACSGIRL: Didn't your mother ever teach you not to speak with your mouth full. 

DAVE: Mrobably.

MALUCCIECA: TPTB stands for "The Powers That Be." 

DAVE: Oh...

ABBY: Deep. Very Deep.

DEB: I'm bored. 

ABBY: Me too. 

PETER: I like dingoes. 

CLEO: AGH! (Smacks PETER again)

PETER: Stop it Cleo! That hurts.

DAVE: I have an idea...

EVERYONE, SAVE MALUCCIECA AND KOVACSGIRL, WHO ARE CRINGING: WHAT!

DAVE: A whorehouse. 

ABBY: Oh... fun. 

DAVE: I thought so too.   
  


ABBY: I was being sarcastic. Couldn't you tell? 

PETER: I used to have that problem... Until I met a dingo. OW! 

DEB: I don't even want to know...

KERRY: Let's find a better, non-X rated activity. 

DAVE: Awwwww...

KOVACSGIRL: Where the hell is John?

(EVERYONE looks at one another.) 

PETER: You're the author, you should know. 

KOVACSGIRL: For you information, I was very busy last night. 

LUKA: I'll bet. (Under his breath) Dirty Little Whore. 

KOVACSGIRL: I HEARD THAT! And no, that's not why I was busy. 

KERRY: Why then? 

KOVACSGIRL: You don't think this is the only story I'm working on, do you?

CLEO: Well. I was kinda hoping...

KOVACSGIRL: Its not. Plus, I had to work on Russian. 

LUKA: Why? 

KOVACSGIRL: I'm learning it. 

LUKA: Why? 

KOVACSGIRL: 'Cause I want to.

DEB: I thought you were talking in Russian on the phone in the limo yesterday. 

KOVACSGIRL: I'm no damn beginner. 

DEB: Of course not. 

ABBY: So where are we going? 

KOVACSGIRL: Will someone tell me where the hell John is? 

CLEO: Well, uh... lets just say somewhere he just lifted his head from a puddle of drool.

KOVACSGIRL:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CLEO: Man, that was a lot of O's. 

PETER: I like dingoes. OW! 

---The Limo---

JOHN (W/his head in a puddle of drool): What? Where am I?

He looks up around him. 

JOHN: (small voice) Rena? 

DAVE: Awww, why can't we go to the whorehouse? 

MALUCCIECA: Awww, why won't you guys listen to him? 

MARK: Awww, will you shut up? 

MALUCCIECA: That's it; you're dying a painful death. 

LUKA: (coughs) Remember our agreement? 

KOVACSGIRL: She's sorry. 

LUKA: Okay. 

KOVACSGIRL: (to MALUCCIECA) Why are there circles under your eyes? 

MALUCCIECA: I went on a date . . .

DAVE & KOVACSGIRL: With whom? 

MALUCCIECA: Who were you in the crime lab with? 

KOVACSGIRL: With – ewww! 

ALL: What? 

KOVACSGIRL: My hand landed on a puddle of drool.

She looks down and sees our darling John. 

KOVACSGIRL: What happened to you? 

JOHN: Someone didn't give me a room! 

LUKA: Gee, I wonder how that could have happened. 

SCENE: Later, at some funky restaurant. 

DAVE: (grumpy) This is so not a whorehouse. 

JOHN: You're right; it's the Hard Rock Café. 

DAVE: (smiles) What the hell, its food! I'm happy now! 

ELIZABETH: Oh, look, over there! 

CLEO, PETER, & ROMANO: What? 

ELIZABETH: The Beatles' autograph! This sucks! 

MARK: Here, I'll take a picture of you next to them! 

ELIZABTH: Nooooooo . . .

KERRY: What's wrong? 

ELIZABETH: (sobbing) I can't get a picture next to them! The whole picture'll be my stomach!

DAVE: Are pregnant women always this emotional? 

MARK, ROMANO, & JING-MEI: SHUT UP! 

LUKA: Oh, look! A whole wall dedicated to Elvis! 

ABBY: (to group) His role model. 

CLEO: I don't wanna know . . . is it because of the hair grease? 

MALUCCIECA: (disgusted) OH MY GOD!!!!! 

JING-MEI: What? 

MALUCCIECA: Who's got a cellie? 

DAVE: I do! 

MALUCCIECA: And how are you paying that off? 

DAVE: You wanna use it or not? 

MALUCCIECA: Okay. (dials) Hi! Mark? . . . oh, sorry, honey . . . You never told me you made it to the Hard Rock Café! . . . when did that happen? 

DAVE: (to K-girl) Who's she talking to? 

MALUCCIECA: I'm so proud of you! Hold on, how'm I better than the Hard Rock Café? . . . you perv! . . . no, never mind, don't get him. Okay. I'll see you later. Bye. 

DAVE: Hold on, how can you be better than the Hard Rock Café? They make food! 

MALUCCIECA: Because I got more than his autograph . . .

KOVACSGIRL: Something tells me that that wasn't Mark. 

MALUCCIECA: You're right, that wasn't. 

DAVE: You little whore! 

MALUCCIECA: I'd watch it if I were you, sweetie, didn't you go to Mark's wedding with two dates? 

WAITRESS WITH RED HAIR: Can I take your order? 

LUKA: As you can tell, we're so not ready. 

WAITRESS: Well, do you want any drinks? 

The table goes around and orders because I'm too lazy to write it all down. 

WAITRESS: (to Luka) Have you decided yet? 

LUKA: Um, I'm tempted to order a –

ABBY: NO. 

LUKA: All right, get in the limo and pack your bags . . .

DAVE: I have an order! 

JING-MEI: What, the whole menu? 

DAVE: Actually, half of that . . . and maybe you OR our waitress. 

Deb slaps him with a menu. 

ROMANO: Say, what's your name? 

WAITRESS: Cherry. Like – 

LUKA: Cherry coke, please. 

ABBY: (sighs) Oh, God. 

SCENE: Later, as they are bumming around in the streets . . . 

ELIZABETH: My feet hurt. We've been walking around looking for that whorehouse for a whole hour and we have not found it yet! 

ROMANO: I'll carry you, Lizzie! 

MARK: NO. 

ELIZABETH: What happened to the limo? 

LUKA: We need exercise. 

DAVE: Abby! Look over there! 

ABBY: I don't see anything. 

DAVE: Made ya look. 

LUKA: Dave . . . 

DAVE: Holy crap, man, did you just growl at me?! 

PETER: This is so sad. The most productive thing we've done all day is go to the Hard Rock Café and now we're searching for a whorehouse. 

DAVE: Shut up, you know you want entertainment tomorrow night. 

PETER: Why the hell not? 

CLEO: You ------- !!!!!!!!!!! 

PETER: Calm down, Cleo. 

CLEO: I've been hurt twice today! Oh my God!

JING-MEI: There's a first time for everything. 

MALUCCIECA: Trust me, if I can like a guy at my school, there really is a first time for anything. 

KERRY: Right now I'm just waiting for everyone to shut up. 

LUKA: (throws back his head and howls like a wolf) 

MALUCCIECA: Relax, it's only mid-afternoon, and there's no full moon tonight. 

KOVACSGIRL shoots her a LOOK. 

MALUCCIECA: Well, there won't be if Mark doesn't go to the pool. 

MARK: Hey! 

MALUCCIECA: Not you, God! MY Mark, Mark-who-is-rooming-next-door-to-me-Mark. 

DAVE: What does he do? 

MALUCCIECA: He's in a band. 

DEB: Really? 

MALUCCIECA: A "band". A quote, unquote, band. 

KERRY: Are they any good? 

MALUCCIECA: I think they suck. But whatever . . . 

PETER: What's the name of this band? 

MALUCCIECA mumbles something inaudibly. 

ALL: WHAT?! 

MALUCCIECA: Yes, I admit it! Dave, what is your problem? 

DAVE: (with starry look in his eye) Did you say "Big Mac"? Yum! 

KOVACSGIRL: Oh my GOD. Don't tell me you like BBMak! 

MALUCCIECA: I didn't say that! 

ALL: EWWWWW! 

MALUCCIECA: Hey, if it's gross for you, it's grosser for me! I *like* them . . . sort of . . . 

LUKA: Hey, they're cool! They actually play guitars, like Elvis! (pause) Like Elvis . . . 

ABBY: Oh, no. 

LUKA throws back his head for another insane wolf howl. 

JOHN: (nods at lady on street who is staring at them) He ain't nothing but a hound dog. 

ABBY: (cringing) I think the Cherry Coke is starting to kick in . . .

SCENE: Hotel. LUKA, KOVACSGIRL, MALUCCIECA, and JOHN are standing outside a door. 

LUKA: So we managed to scrounge up something for you. 

JOHN: Gee, thanks, Luka! 

LUKA unlocks the door. One by one, they all file in. 

KOVACSGIRL: Well, look at that! You have a room all to yourself! 

MALUCCIECA: Hey, he's sparing the others . . .

KOVACSGIRL: Erase that! 

MALUCCIECA: Too late. All the Carter lovers will have to deal with it. 

LUKA: All right, so we'll see you tomorrow! Good night! (LUKA, K-GIRL, & M-CIECA exit room) 

CARTER: Oh, boy. 

He looks around. 

CARTER: (all excited) Hey, a container of bleach! I can get high on this! Awesome!

SCENE: Outside. 

MALUCCIECA: Sounds like he's enjoying the supply closet. 

KOVACSGIRL: Let's go visit Nick at the Crime Lab. 

MALUCCIECA: Okay.

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/chicago_kewlkat



	4. Day Four

Maluccieca's Notes: As I apparently do not own BBMak, I have to own up and say that they tragically aren't mine

Maluccieca's Notes: As I apparently do not own BBMak, I have to own up and say that they tragically aren't mine. At least, not yet.

Boogie Nights: Day Four 

SCENE: Hotel lounge, the next morning. 

DAVE: Good morning, everyone! 

DEB: I'm rooming with you . . . how can I possibly have a good morning? 

DAVE: That's a nice blouse, Abby; did you get it at Goodwill? 

LUKA: You can stop being nice now, Dave. We're not going to the whorehouse. 

DAVE: Damn. 

ROMANO: (wistful) Well, you can't say the asshole didn't try. 

PETER: So where are we going? 

MARK: (anxiously) Nowhere with dingoes, I hope. 

PETER: (indignantly) I like dingoes! OW! 

LUKA: No, we're not going to the casino today. 

ABBY: Wow, I can gamble away all the cash that I don't have. 

JOHN enters the lounge. 

JOHN: Good morning! 

CLEO: Did you enjoy your room? 

JOHN: Oh, yes. Luka, I can't thank you enough. 

LUKA: Don't thank me. All the credit goes to Maluccieca. 

ELIZABETH: Where are Kovacsgirl and Maluccieca, anyway? 

KERRY: Weren't they supposed to be here like fifteen minutes ago? 

LUKA: (worried) I wonder what could possibly be detaining them . . . 

SCENE: Kovacsgirl's hotel room. She is typing frantically. 

KOVACSGIRL: Finally! My new CSI fic is all done! 

She sits back. 

KOVACSGIRL: Hey! It's freezing, why are the windows open? 

She goes over to close the windows, and something flies in.

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Spoiler detected! 

KOVACSGIRL: What! You're winged monkeys?! 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: For now, since Maluccieca's the one responsible. Take it up with her. 

KOVACSGIRL: But you're in my ER stories, and I just finished a CSI one. With NO spoilers, may I add. 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Well, it was in "Boogie Nights: Day Three" . . . Dave referred to Dr. Finch as "HIV woman". 

KOVACSGIRL: So? 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: So she's not HIV woman until Elizabeth has her baby. 

KOVACSGIRL: Gee, you just fly into my window at 7 in the morning to tell me that? 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Pretty much so. 

KOVACSGIRL: Then what about Maluccieca? 

SCENE: Meanwhile, at the CG people's hotel, but in another room belonging to a BBMakster . . . 

CHRISTIAN: Hey, take a look at that! What the hell is that coming up to the window? 

STE: Maybe if we got Mark to play his bagpipes, it'd go away. 

CHRISTIAN: No, it'd definitely go away if we got Mark to sing. (to "that") Who are you? 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: I'm looking for Maluccieca. 

STE: Malu-WHO? . . . Oh, do you mean ----? 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: Probably. (checks a piece of paper) According to the fic, if she's not in her room, she said she'd be here, and that was all we needed to know. 

STE: That IS all you need to know, man. (grimaces) 

Enter MALUCCIECA and MARK. 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, no. What'd I do? 

MARK: You KNOW this funky monkey? 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: You KNOW this chunky monkey? 

MARK: Hey! 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: Anyway, you have a spoiler. 

MALUCCIECA: Let's get technical at 7 in the morning. 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: You told Dave to watch it because he went to Mark's wedding with two dates in "Boogie Nights, Day Three". 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, PUH-LEESE. 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: The baby hasn't come, and he's not married yet, so until that happens –

MALUCCIECA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, no more spoilers . . . bye guys, catch you later. 

CENSOR MONKEY 2 and MALUCCIECA exit. 

MARK: (sputtering) I'm getting married? What?

SCENE: Random street, County General people are walking. 

DAVE: Hey, Abby. 

ABBY: What? 

DAVE: Don't look now, but I could have sworn that I saw your mother like two seconds ago. 

ABBY: AAAARGH! HIDE ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE! 

DAVE: Just kidding. 

ABBY: Why, you . . .

ELIZABETH: I thought this casino was walking distance. 

LUKA: It is. 

ELIZABETH: For a pregnant woman? 

ROMANO: Lizzy, would you like me to call you a cab? 

MARK: No, but she would like you to disappear. 

ROMANO: Is your name Lizzy? 

MARK: No, but I think I spoke for everyone when I said that. 

ELIZABETH: Oh! I feel dizzy! Everything's spinning! 

MARK: Quick! We need to get her to a hospital! 

ELIZABETH: Just kidding! 

DEB: Isn't it this casino? 

LUKA: No, I'm sure it's that one. (points) 

DEB: No, I'm pretty sure it's this one . . . see the sign? 

SIGN: Chico DeMille Publishing, Inc. and Prozac welcome Cook County General! 

ABBY: What? 

JOHN: Oh, you know, the companies that sponsored our trip. 

KOVACSGIRL and MALUCCIECA are running towards them, and skid to a halt like Garfield (or Dave!) does when he sees food. 

KOVACSGIRL & MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant* 

KERRY: It's about time. 

KOVACSGIRL: (sarcastically) We – (pant) – just – (pant) – decided to make a grand appearance, that's all. 

MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant* 

JOHN: Geez, even I could make a better excuse. 

KERRY: Drugs don't count. 

PETER: Dude, you can quit drugs. It's really simple.

JOHN: Really? 

PETER: Yeah. Just say no. 

JOHN: Oh. But you're not the Surgeon General. 

PETER: I am now. 

LUKA: (crosses arms and 'hems' at the authors) What REALLY happened? Busy again, I suppose? 

KOVACSGIRL: I wasn't! 

MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant* 

MARK: Oh, God. 

MALUCCIECA: (whistles with all the breath she has left) 

DAVE: You dirty little whore! 

MALUCCIECA: I'm not dirty, I'm not little, and I'm not a whore!!!!! 

DEB: Ha. 

MALUCCIECA: Two words: Censor Monkeys. 

KOVACSGIRL: So you'd better make an apology now. 

EVERYONE ELSE: SORRY! 

KOVACSGIRL: Okay. Now – (pulls M-CIECA aside) – we're not exactly allowed in here. 

MALUCCIECA: What do you mean? You practically sponsored the trip, how could they not let you in? 

KOVACSGIRL: Good point. 

Everyone enters the casino. 

LUKA: I'm in heaven! . . . Wait, no, not till I get to Graceland! 

ABBY: I've never seen so much money! 

ROMANO: Tumor Boy! 

MARK: What? 

ROMANO: Oh, you suck, you answered to it.

MARK: GRRRRR! 

ROMANO: I challenge you now . . . whoever has the most money when we leave marries Lizzy. 

ELIZABETH: That's a good idea. 

MARK: Hold on, you'd have to marry me anyway. 

ELIZABETH: Oh, right. Our child wouldn't be legitimate now, would it? 

ROMANO: What the hell, I still challenge you! 

MARK: You're on! 

A guy with a messenger bag walks up to JOHN. 

GUY: PSSST. (whispers loudly) I've got THE STUFF. 

JOHN: Oh, here, let me pay you. (reaches into pockets) Here you go, and here you go. Thanks 

for hooking me up, Jim. 

JIMMY: (looks at money) Thanks for the two hundred dollar tip. 

JOHN: Hey, hey, hey, give that back. 

JIMMY: (sighs) Dammit. 

KOVACSGIRL: (thunders) YOU! 

JIMMY: (turns pale) Uh-oh . . .

MALUCCIECA: (thundering louder) YOU! 

JIMMY: (turns even paler) BIG UH-OH . . . 

KOVACSGIRL: HOW DARE YOU DISTRIBUTE DRUGS IN MY CASINO! ESPECIALLY TO HIM! 

JIMMY: I couldn't make the transaction in Chicago, it would've been too obvious.

MALUCCIECA: "Transaction", huh? Jimmy, what the HELL are you doing here!?!? 

JIMMY: Uh . . . I don't know. I suddenly appeared. 

KOVACSGIRL: How do you know this drug dealer? 

JOHN: How do you know my drug dealer? 

MALUCCIECA: Long story. I'm not going to incriminate myself, so I won't talk about it. Jimmy, since I'm nice and won't call the police, I'll give you approximately ten seconds to get your sorry ass out of here, starting now. 

JIMMY: But, ----, I just fucking appeared! 

MALUCCIECA: So disappear! 

JIMMY: Fine. I'll see you when you get back. 

MALUCCIECA: Whatever. 

JIMMY gets his sorry ass out of the casino. 

KOVACSGIRL: (to JOHN) Hand them over. NOW. 

JOHN: (whimpers) Awww, do I have to? 

KOVACSGIRL: Do you want to get evicted from the premises? 

JOHN sighs and turns over his "stuff" to KOVACSGIRL, who throws it in a dumpster nearby. 

KOVACSGIRL: Don't let me hear that you've been wallowing in that dumpster. Understand? 

JOHN: (sad) Okay.

KOVACSGIRL: Good.

DAVE: I wish I had more money...

DEB: You walked in here with 300 bucks! 

DAVE: I gambled it all away on Russian Roulette

KOVACSGIRL: I wrote a fic titled that. 

JOHN: Yeah, about Moi!

MALUCCIECA: Great. Not this argument again.

LUKA: Well La-De-Da.

JOHN: And NOT about you 

LUKA: Well she's in the middle of writing a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fic about moi. 

JOHN: Is that true.

KOVACSGIRL: Only slightly. I'm going to screw that one soon. 

JOHN: HA!

KOVACSGIRL (pounding on her laptop): I wonder if I can get backwards "R's" on this thingie...

CLEO: Ah, ye of little attention.

DAVE and KOVACSGIRL: What?

DAVE: Oh, look! Three dollars!

DEB: Great. 

JOHN: Maybe if I can win lots of money. 

KOVACSGIRL and MALUCCIECA: Don't even think about it. 

CLEO: Yeah white boy! You have loads of dinero. 

MARK: Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to talk in Spanish. 

ROMANO: Where's Translator Bambi? 

ELIZABETH: Robert!

KERRY: Yeah!

PETER: Nasty!

A nearby casino machine rings.

ROMANO: I'm rich!

MARK: What the hell? 

ELIZABETH: Oh, Robert! I really do love you more! Kiss me!

ROMANO: Okay!

ELIZABETH: I'm sorry I called you a horrid little turd. 

ROMANO: That's ok--- WHAT?!?!

ELIZABETH: Heh, Heh.

DAVE: Let's go get dinner. 

SCENE: A nice Italian Restaurant.

DAVE: Now this is my kind of place! 

KERRY: Why? 

DAVE: I'm part Italian, ya know. 

JOHN (wearing a new, expensive shirt): Heh, Heh. With that meddlesome Kovacsgirl gone, I'm free to get a high as I want! 

MARK (depressed): Yeah *Sob* where is she? 

LUKA: Oh no... 

DAVE: And Maluccieca?

KERRY: Do you know what that means? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Not exactly...

KERRY: We can do whatever we want!!! 

MARK: No wonder you're the head of the ER!

KERRY: Why? 

MARK: You're smart!

KERRY: I guess I am! 

CLEO: So, how are we going to mess this fic up? 

JOHN: I'll buy drugs!

EVERYONE: DUH!!!!

DAVE: I'll eat until...no! I'll break into the kitchen!

ROMANO: I'll become a hunter from Kenya and trap the flying Censor Monkeys. 

ELIZABETH: Oh! I love the Kenyan Hunter types! 

DEB: I'll be the evil witch from _The Wizard of Oz! _

_ _

CLEO: And that would be a difference how? 

DEB: OW! 

ABBY: Good one Cleo 

They high-five each other.

KERRY: I think I'll invite Kim over, if that's okay Luka. 

LUKA: Of course! The more the merrier! 

ROMANO: 'Er Little Monkeys!

ELIZABETH: Robert! You're British accent it better than mine! 

ROBERT: Got'em!

DEB (In Witch outfit): I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too! 

JOHN: Why is the sky floating? 

MARK: Did you ever wonder why "monkeys" is spelled M-O-N-K-E-Y-S instead of M-O-N-K-E-I-E-S? 

DAVE: Yeah! I'm going to go raid the kitchen. 

ABBY: Where's Kerry? 

LUKA: Abby, you don't want to know. 

ABBY: Oh. 

DAVE: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!!!!!!

COOKIE: Get out of my kitchen!!! 

DAVE: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!

DEB: Fly My Pretties! 

JOHN passes out. 

LUKA: CRAP! CARTER'S OUT! 

ROMANO: Call the Paramedics! 

ELIZABETH: Yeah! 

MARK: We ARE the Paramedics!

EVERYONE ELSE: HELP!!!

KOVACSGIRL: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?! THE FIC JUST GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER!

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: I think you need our help ma'am. 

KOVACSGIRL: Who the hell are you? 

MONKEY IN BALCK 2: We're the MONKEYS IN BLACK! 

KOVACSGIRL: ????

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: We can erase all their memories of this dinner and get them back to normal. 

KOVACSGIRL: There's a NORMAL in this fic? 

MONKEY IN BLACK 2: You know what we mean. 

KOVACSGIRL: Fine. Just get me out of this chaos!

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: Stand Back!

MEMORY ERASING BANANA: **ZAP!!!**

DAVE: Where are we? 

MARK: I don't know... 

KOVACSGIRL: Whew! 

DAVE: Can we go to a whorehouse?

KOVACSGIRL: NOT AGAIN!!!!


	5. Day Five

Boogie Nights: Day Five 

Boogie Nights: Day Five 

SCENE: Hotel lounge.

KOVACSGIRL: I can't believe we left them alone.

MALUCCIECA: Yeah, that has to be your stupidest mistake yet. 

KOVACSGIRL: MINE!?

MALUCCIECA: Yup.

KOVACSGIRL: It was your fault too!

MALUCCIECA: It was yours.

KOVACSGIRL: Yours!

MALUCCIECA: Yours! 

KOVACSGIRL: Yours!

MALUCCIECA: Yours!

KOVACSGIRL: Yours!

MALUCCIECA: Yours!

PETER (walking in) Great, our authors are fighting.

KOVACSGIRL: Keep out of this! And don't try that shit that you did last night again!

KERRY: Whoa, she's pissed.

LUKA (walking in): What's up?

KERRY: The authors are fighting. You might want to stay out of it.

DAVE: I don't! 

EVERYONE ELSE, EXCEPT K-GIRL, M-CIECA, AND DAVE: NO!!!!!!!! 

DAVE (to K-GIRL and M-CIECA): It was both of your faults!

K-GIRL and M-CIECA: What?

DAVE: Read the print-on screen.

K-GIRL and M-CIECA: It . . . was . . . both . . . of . . . your . . . faults. Oh!!

KOVACSGIRL: Sorry. Now, we need to make a schedule so we don't have a repeat of last night.

MALUCCIECA: Right.

JOHN stumbles in.

JOHN: What the hell happened last night? Oh, Lucy! 

He wanders in a stupor to PETER.

PETER: I'm not Lucy!!! 

ROMANO: I get to fire two gays!!!! Woo hoo! 

ELIZABETH: Oh . . . oh . . . oh!

MARK and ROMANO: Give it a rest, Lizzy! 

ELIZABETH: Nooooooo! This is the real thing!

MARK: Sure.

DAVE: It's old, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: I DON'T WANNA DELIVER THIS GODDAM BABY IN THIS HOTEL!

MARK: Hey, this is my kid here too!

POLLSTER CHICO: It's time for another poll! 

READERS: POLLSTER CHICO!!! 

POLLSTER CHICO: The one and only.

MALUCCIECA: What poll do you have for us today, Pollster Chico?

POLLSTER CHICO: What are your predictions for Elizabeth's baby? 

(a) girl

(b) boy

(c) twins

(d) triplets or more

(e) who cares as long as it doesn't look like Mark, Romano, Benton, Cleo, or Abby?

ABBY: HEY! 

KOVACSGIRL: Fanfiction.net users vote in the provided review box.

MALUCCIECA: Others, vote by e-mailing either K-girl or myself. Our addies are at the beginning of the fic. 

KOVACSGIRL: That's right. Get off your hiney and find our e-mails for yourself!

ELIZABETH: I'm kinda having a baby right now.

KOVACSGIRL: You'll have to wait until we get poll results.

ELIZABETH: I can't just suck the baby back in.

ABBY: Yeah, it's not possible... 

KOVACSGIRL: Where there's a will, there's a way.

ELIZABETH: There's no f***ing will!

MALUCCIECA: Well, we're writing this and we say hold your horses!

KOVACSGIRL: Now we're dividing you into two groups.

MALUCCIECA: Half of you are going with K-girl and the other group is going with me.

KOVACSGIRL: Except John, who is going with Chico to get . . . detoxed.

JOHN: Bubber, blub, zick!

MALUCCIECA: I'll take . . . Dave. 

KOVACSGIRL: Luka and Deb.

DEB: Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 

MALUCCIECA: I was going to take Deb! Oh well, you get Cleobot! Uh, Mark and Abby.

KOVACSGIRL: Kerry . . . Liz.

MALUCCIECA: I don't want Romano! 

KOVACSGIRL: I'll take him, you can have Benton. 

DEB: Are we forgetting anyone?

LUKA: John, me, Abby, you, Dave, Liz, The Horrid Little Turd . . . 

ROMANO: HEY!

LUKA: Mark, Peter, Cleo . . . I think so.

MALUCCIECA: Good.

KOVACSGIRL: Because you people were bad little children, we're going to the Crime Lab first, then Luka gets to choose our next

stop. Bye-bye, ------.

MALUCCIECA: Bye, -----. Have fun.

SCENE: Crime Lab.

NICK: You brought them all here!?! 

KOVACSGIRL: Actually, half of them. 

NICK: Why?

KOVACSGIRL: We couldn't find a baby sitter who would put up with all of them. 

NICK: What?

KOVACSGIRL: Let me put it like this: It's like living with a bunch of five year olds.

NICK: Oh.

ROMANO: Oh . . . what does this do?

GRISSOM: Don't touch that!

GUN: Boom! 

PETER: OW!!!! 

GRISSOM: That's evidence! 

SARA: Yeah, I know the feeling . . . I got fired from my old job because I was different . . . 

KERRY: We're so victimized.

SARA: You know, that bald guy looks familiar . . . 

KERRY: YOU look familiar.

SARA: Kerry . . . Weaver?

KERRY: Maggie . . . Doyle?

SARA AKA MAGGIE: Kerry! I haven't seen you forever! 

KERRY: I know.

NICK: They know each other?

KOVACSGIRL: Jorja Fox was on ER before she was on CSI. 

NICK: I wonder if Griss knows was that . . .

GREG THE LAB GUY: Hi there, you're hot.

DEB: God, if I'm not around Dave, it's someone just like him! 

GREG THE LAB GUY: Ya know, I'm free on Thursday. Wanna go out?

DEB: SAVE ME!!! 

CLEO: Hey, Peter . . . wanna get a load off yer feet?

PETER: Sure.

CLEO: Here, this metal bed thingy looks like a good place to rest.

PETER: You sure?

CLEO pulls open another drawer.

CLEO: See, there's a person sleeping here too. Oh, isn't that nice. They give you a blanket and air conditioning, too. 

PETER: Isn't that redundant?

CLEO: Just get in!!! 

PETER: Okay . . . 

HE gets in, and CLEO slides him into the drawer. SHE laughs to herself and leaves.

PETER: Cleo . . . Cleo? CLEO!!! 

KOVACSGIRL: Well, I guess we have to go, Nick . . .

NICK: Too bad.

REST OF THE CSI's: NO, IT'S NOT!!!!! 

KOVACSGIRL: See ya later.

They all walk out the lab.

DEB: Where do you want to go, Luka?

LUKA: We all go wherever I choose?

DEB: Yes!

LUKA: Anywhere?

DEB: Goddamnit, YES! 

LUKA: Well, how about . . . 

EVERYONE: WHAT?!? 

LUKA: A karaoke club!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

EVERYONE ELSE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! 

SCENE: Karaoke club. 

LUKA: Hell, yeah! 

DAVE: Yo quiero comer.

MARK: Cuando? 

DAVE: AHORA!!!!!!!!!!!

KOVACSGIRL: I should have known. 

DEB: THANK GOD Maluccieca told that scary guy at the Crime Lab that I wasn't available on Thursdays! 

MARK: Por que? 

ABBY: What's he saying? 

DEB: Because. Thursday night is when "ER" comes on, duh. 

KERRY: WAAAAAHHHHH! 

LUKA: What? 

KERRY: I called Kim and she's not coming! 

ROMANO: Because she's shacked up with someone else now, is that it? 

KERRY: She left a message on her answering machine . . . WAAAAAHHHHHHHH . . . 

EVERYONE: WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY? 

KERRY: Two words . . . 

CLEO: And they would be? 

KERRY: (choking through tears) "The Beast". 

DEEP MALE VOICE: "The Beast". Viewer Discretion Advised. 

EVERYONE: What the hell? 

MALUCCIECA: What is that goddamn noise! 

DAVE: Sorry, I burped. 

MALUCCIECA: No, the other one . . . 

She squints and looks at the stage. 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, no. Not a Britney Spears song. Can we get out of here? 

RENA: John!!!!! 

JOHN: Elaine!!!!!! I missed you so much! 

RENA: I beg your pardon? 

JOHN: I mean . . . hold on, aren't you my cousin's ex-wife who showed up at work and we – 

RENA: That's it, I'm leaving! This relationship is over! 

JOHN: Fine! You're not blond! 

RENA: Fine! You're . . . old! 

MALUCCIECA smirks. 

RENA: And you're . . . you're . . . UGLY! 

MALUCCIECA starts to choke with laughter. 

MALUCCIECA: HAHAHAHAHAHA . . . I mean . . . you go, girl! 

RENA: (yells across club) I'm ready, sweetie! 

GUY comes over. 

EVERYONE: HUGH HEFNER!!!!!!!!!!!! 

RENA: Goodbye, John.

JOHN: (yells at her retreating figure) I don't need you! I need . . . LUKA!

LUKA: No, you don't. I'm not available. 

JOHN: I WANNA SING!!!!!! 

MALUCCIECA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . I mean . . . heeeeeeeeeee . . .

DEB: She reminds me of that when time I drank Goofy Water. 

KOVACSGIRL: You were hiccupping. 

DEB: Whoops. I guess it wasn't that time, then. 

DAVE: (chanting w/ a cha-cha kinda song) I WANT A BURRITO, I WANT A BURRITO! I WANT A BURRITO, BURRITO, HEY! 

MARK: ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABURRIDO, HEY! 

LUKA: GRRRRR. 

ABBY: I am not! 

MARK: Oh, never mind . . .

TRANSLATOR BAMBI: (appears out of nowhere and whispers in his ear) 

MARK: Ohhhh. ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBURIDA, HEY! 

DAVE: Hee hee. 

ABBY: My mother's ill, dammit! I have story lines – unlike you. 

TRANSLATOR BAMBI: (to Mark) You were supposed to say, "Yo soy aburrido." YOU'RE the one who's aburrido, not her! 

MARK: Life is too short, why worry about Spanish grammar? 

CLEO: Kerry? 

KERRY: *sob* Where's John? 

GUY: Everyone, this is John Carter.

JOHN waves from stage.

GUY: And John's gonna be singing "Hash Pipe" by Weezer! 

EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

SCENE: Back to the Crime Lab. We see the drawer Peter's been locked in and we can only hear his voice. 

PETER: HELLO!? Anybody hear me? Hello!!!! 

Silence. 

PETER: CLEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

SCENE: Back to Karaoke Club. 

JOHN: (singing) Whoaaaaaaaaa . . . I've got my hash pipe!!!!!!!!!! 

MALUCCIECA: How appropriate. 

JOHN: (beaming) Thanks.

KOVACSGIRL: (to M-CIECA) What happened to everyone else? 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, no. (does a quick head count) We're missing two. We absolutely can NOT afford for this to happen again.

KOVACSGIRL: I know. We're missing Peter – 

MALUCCIECA: And if we lose them, what're we gonna tell all of those Hollywood bigshots? Oh, my God. 

KOVACSGIRL: Quit freaking out.

MALUCCIECA: I'm a Virgo. I spaz, OKAY?!?!?! 

KOVACSGIRL: Calm down. Now, we're missing Peter. And, come to think of it – 

GUY: And now here's Kerry Weaver, who will be singing Jill Sobule's "I Kissed A Girl". 

KERRY starts to sing. 

ROMANO: Oh, man. She really IS gay. 

ELIZABETH: What happened to your accent? 

ROMANO: (to JOHN) That's a dir'y bo'hul you've got there, gov'nuh. 

ELIZABETH: (giggles) Ooh, Cockney!!! 

KOVACSGIRL: John has a bottle? What? 

JOHN: No, I don't! 

ABBY: I wanna sing something next! 

ROMANO: No, I wanna sing something next! 

DAVE: Uh-uh. No way. I'M singing next. 

DEB: You bitch! 

DAVE: No, see, you're a bitch, not me. 

DEB: Well, I don't care. The bitchiest sings next, so that's me. OKAY? 

MALUCCIECA: I'm gonna go sing that song by Linkin Park where that guy just yells "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

Can you guys take a hint? 

KOVACSGIRL: Where is Peter, anyway? 

CLEO: Heh, heh. 

KOVACSGIRL: Oh, okay, Cleo. You're laughing, so that obviously means you know. Where is he? 

CLEO: (whispers) 

KOVACSGIRL: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! We have to go get him! 

MALUCCIECA: But what about everyone else who's singing? Remember, we CANNOT leave them alone! 

KOVACSGIRL: I'll go get him. You stay here. 

MALUCCIECA: You're leaving me with them?

KOVACSGIRL: I'll be back before you know it. 

Pause. 

KOVACSGIRL & MALUCCIECA: Nahhhhhhhhh. 

KERRY is done singing. 

GUY: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a surprise number! 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, God, wait, we're missing two. 

KOVACSGIRL: But Kerry's here. We're SO not picking up Peter. 

MALUCCIECA: Luka. 

KOVACSGIRL & MALUCCIECA: DAMMIT! 

GUY: And our surprise number is – oh, no, wait, that's later. No, it looks like we have Deb Chen singing Janet Jackson's "Someone

To Be My Lover". 

DAVE: But, Jing-Mei, we're at a bar! 

DEB: We've already met. 

DAVE: But – 

DEB: You don't have a f*cking car, for Christ's sakes! You have a freaking BIKE! 

DAVE: Same thing! 

DEB: I have to sing, leave me alone! 

GUY: Actually, my bad, ladies and gentlemen. We have our surprise number instead! 

DEB: Oh, great, make up your mind. 

GUY: And it's the King himself! 

The curtain raises, and a dude in an Elvis costume is in the middle of the stage. 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, God, where's Luka? 

ROMANO: Are all Virgo's this spastic? 

KOVACSGIRL: Don't worry, he can't be too far. Let's just watch this, this looks like fun.

LUKA, I MEAN ELVIS: That's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!

KOVACSGIRL: Hey, he's not half bad... You say you're a Virgo? Me too...that's weird, I don't freak out that much. 

K-GIRL'S FRIENDS: THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!!!

DEB: That Elvis sounds a bit familiar...

DAVE: Yeah, who ever heard of Elvis with a accent. 

KOVACSGIRL: What? 

DAVE: Can't you hear it? It's Slavic...maybe from the area of Yugoslavia, maybe Russian. 

DEB: How do you know all that? 

DAVE: What do you think I do when I'm not on the show, which is most of the time?

ELVIS: I'm nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time!

KOVACSGIRL: I used to have a friend that sang that song all the time...

MALUCCIECA: What happened to her...

KOVACSGIRL: She moved to Texas.

ABBY: I would recognize that hair anywhere!

CARTER: Who is it? 

ABBY: Bill! The guy from the bar in our hotel. 

KOVACSGIRL: Not Mine! 

CARTER: I get the feeling you're not staying at a hotel...

KOVACSGIRL: HEY!

ELVIS: Thank-you, thank-you very much! 

KOVACSGIRL: WooHoo! It's my turn. 

SHE jumps onto the stage, knocking ELVIS over and grabbing the mic from him. ELVIS' sunglasses fly off, to reveal LUKA. 

EVERYONE: LUKA!!!

MALUCCIECA: Thank god! 

LUKA: I don't believe in God. 

KOVACSGIRL: SHUT UP!!!

SHE runs over to the PIANIST and whispers HER choice to HIM. HE begins to play. 

KOVACSGIRL: Mary Ann and Wanda were the best of friends, all through their high school days... Both members of the 4H club, both active in the FAA...

EVERYONE: SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
